Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Try this 8-Bit Jason Voorhees Mask on For Size

This amazing little gem popped up over on Jack's Attic and I had to tell you about it.

Jason's devolved, retro 8-Bit form has experienced a bit of a comeback lately, after NECA released that resin figure at ComicCon in 2013 to celebrate one of the worst NES games ever created. You know, the one it takes every fiber of my being to not to buy off EBay as a totally insane impulse purchase.

Now he's back again, in MASK FORM. You can print out this cool and inexpensive facade, which is guaranteed to score you more "hipster horror-gaming-nerd" points at your Halloween party than that guy in the played out Brainscan costume.

Now I just need to bring a camera to Kinko's, to document the look on their faces when I demand this to be printed and laminated!

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Terrortorial Expansion: 'Argento's Dracula 3D'

Along with Nick Cage and Malcolm McDowell, Rutger Hauer forms a "Holy Trinity" of cult horror icons around this blog. In our eyes, he can barely do wrong, even when he played Sookie's whacked out grandpa in those later, off-the-rails seasons of True Blood.

I qualified that using "barely" because of Dario Argento's Dracula AKA Dracula 3D. Check out this great review of it by Alex over on the DOOM GENERATION blog. She hits the stake right on the heart of this low point in the Italian director's catalog.

A giant CGI praying mantis? Really? REALLY?!?

'Terrortorial Expansion' is a series of posts where Ben and Jeff highlight interesting content they enjoyed by others in the horror blogging community. It is also a play on words referencing historical government policies to make us sound smarter than we actually are.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

'Cabin Fever: Patient Zero' (Movie Review)

Zero Redeeming Qualities

The original Cabin Fever is a contentious "love it or hate it" type of movie. Ti West's follow up, Cabin Fever 2:Spring Fever, featured a bunch of scummy high school kids bleeding out everywhere and had some production issues, but this new "prequel" Cabin Fever: Patient Zero is just straight up terrible.

Patient Zero obviously has a much higher budget than the last sequel, and takes place in the Dominican Republic. Marcus (Mitch Ryan) invites his brother and childhood friends down to the DR for his wedding, and a bachelor party getaway on a deserted island. Unbeknownst to them, Sean "I'll star in this project if lunch is free" Astin is being experimented on in a secret lab on said island after being the only survivor of a deadly virus outbreak that struck a bunch of Habitat for Humanity workers. I know I just ripped into Sean Astin back there, but seriously, I'm a big fan of his work and I hate to see the dude who was Samwise reduced to being in such a steaming pile of garbage. His performance is miles apart from anyone else in the film, even if it's just delivering a few lines while aimlessly wandering around with a Ted Kaczynski Unibomber beard.

Back to the story. My first issue is that as a prequel, Patient Zero should exist chronologically earlier than the other two Cabin Fever movies, but the technology, cell phones, and other minor details make it look as if it happens AFTER them. This should have been really easy to not screw up, considering it takes place in the tropics and the other movies are in the woods and a small town high school. There are a bunch of other tiny incongruencies, but I'm not gonna nitpick. The group, who I'll refer to as "The Party Gang" from here on out because their names don't matter, arrives on the island and a couple of them go snorkeling and get infected.

Meanwhile, Sean Astin is concocting an escape plan, and manages to infect everyone in the lab, causing all hell to break loose and a really busty scientist girl to get covered in blood vomit and then take a shower. Worlds collide when the Party Gang makes radio contact with the scientists and think they can find help for their gooey, ailing friends. They make their way to the lab and have to avoid a bunch of virus zombies while...WAIT, TIME OUT...Cabin Fever was NOT a ZOMBIE MOVIE! Patient Zero takes the awful creative liberty of making the virus victims move, act, growl, and attack like zombies. I know they are "en vogue", but it just reeked of someone saying "Hey, zombies are super popular, this will be great!" during a brainstorming session.

By this point everyone is turning on each other and The Party Gang is in ruins, although they are all so unlikeable that you barely care what happens to them. Everyone then races to a small boat that is the only way off the island. Busty scientist girl is the first to make it, but then gets into a chesty zombie girl fight with the only female member of the Party Gang, who ALSO happens to be a chesty zombie girl. So two chesty zombie girls begin tearing each other apart, and it ends with one of them getting their head smashed in by a giant dildo. It's an apt metaphor for the death of the Cabin Fever franchise you've been watching for the past 83 minutes.

It all leads up to a final escape, and without spoilers I can tell you there are massive plot holes in what should somehow tie into the beginning of the original Cabin Fever. Also, there are so many unanswered questions about whether Sean Astin's beard signified evil as cinematic beards often do. The final kick in the crotch from Patient Zero is delivered when they fill all the story gaps from the film via reverse orders clips in the credits. So, the swiss cheese plot gets completed as THE CREDITS ROLL.

If I could make one of those Youtube shaming videos where Cabin Fever: Patient Zero had to wear a sign saying how incompetent it is, I would. This movie wasn't necessary, and if Cabin Fever needed an origin story, this wasn't it. Watch only if you want to feel bewildered, frustrated, and sad for Sean Astin all at the same time. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go shake a Red Box to try and get my $1.29 back.

Reviewed via Red Box. Running time 91 MIN.

The End of Review Scores

Annnnnnnd...WE'RE BACK. Thanks for sticking with us while we took a few weeks off to enjoy cookouts, trips to the beach, and regular conversations with that creepy ice cream truck driver who might just be a serial killer.

Since we're always looking to shake things up around here, our latest scheme is dropping review scores. For better or worse, Jeff and I have decided to "use our words" as the primary means of letting you know what we think about horror stuff. It also lets us bandy about that whole pretentious "OH, we don't use SCORES." argument when we mention the site to people at all those upper-crust socialite parties we attend.

Besides, scoring reviews on the internet is so 2002, and you guys NEVER just scroll to the bottom to see the grade without enjoying all the satisfying acerbic wit we deliver. Right? RIGHT?

Thanks for your continued support!

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Summer Vacation

Hey all,

You may have noticed the lack of regular posts over the past couple days. Jeff and I are taking a few weeks off to re-charge our batteries as summer winds down, and will be back later next month to fully engage the internet leading up to October; the annual apex for all horror blogs!

Thanks for your continued readership and support!